Twatwaffle Jones

Sticky! My profile on JDate! And HNT!

2006-06-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

I also belong to Metrodate.com Online Dating, and Match.com

"StiflersMom"
Female / Straight
White/Caucasian / Jewish
Age: 37
Occupation: Full-time Mom
Hair: Brown
Eyes: ebony
Appearance: Attractive
Body Type: Voluptuous
Location: Savannah, GA, US
Education: College Degree
Height: 5'9" (175 cm)
Non-Smoker
Has children
Astrological Sign: Cancer

Ideal Match
Age: 34 - 45
Min Education: College Degree
Height: Doesn't matter
Smokers: Non-smokers only
Race: White/Caucasian
Religion: Jewish, Unaffiliated

Personal Message:

I'm a northern-born, southern-loving, full-time mom who's fun, bold, honest, sincere, independent and so much more! Simply put, you either like my brash and sassy attitude or your don't! Looking for a guy who has personality, charm, can easily make me laugh and who's not afraid to take chances. The person I'd like to meet will accept me for who I am yet will always help me strive to be a better person. Someone who smiles and laughs often, who enjoys long conversations about anything and everything! Someone who can share in the sarcasm, match wits with me and never miss a beat! Someone who can dish it out as well as take it and who appreciates my "potty" mouth for what it is! Someone who isn't afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve and can easily share his emotions with me. Someone who knows what he wants in a relationship. Someone who is confident, yet not cocky. Of course he must not be allergic to my two children or two cats as well as have an appreciation for my son's turtle!

Questionnaire:

• Have you been married before? Yes
• My job can best be described as: Physical labor
• Tattoos: Ok, but not for me
• If I were to vacation, my first choice would be: Africa
• In looking for a compatible dating partner, physical appearance is: Just one factor
• My friends would describe me as: Low key
• On my free time, I like to: Spend quiet time alone
• The quality I seem to value the most in people, is: Honesty
• My involvement in physical activity can be described as follows: Work out 3-4 times a week
• Religion is: Important
• My favorite type of music is: Classic Rock
• My first choice in a movie would typically be: Independent film
• My television viewing can be described as: A few times a week
• This characteristic is most important in a potential partner: Sense of humor
• The style of clothes that I want my partner to wear is: I don't really care
• According to my lifestyle, my job/career is: Of utmost importance
• Financially, I come from a family that is: Comfortable
• I would like my partner to be: Social
• I would prefer to live in/at the: Suburbs
• An ideal first date would be: Have a drink
• Of the following, I am most interested in: The Arts
• I want to have children: Not sure

I saw my father's penis!

2006-05-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right, you read correctly. Not in any kind of incestual way you pigs, purely by accident.

We all have those times in our lives where something our parents have done completely disgusts us to the point where it scars you for life. Most of us are revolted by the mere thought of our parents having sex. I recall only 2 times growing up where I knew for sure that my parents had sex. Yes, just 2. They always left their bedroom door open unless they were having sex. On those very rare occasions, the door would be shut, locked and 5 minutes later re-opened.

My most traumatic event was seeing my father's penis. It happened when my son was about 3ish and I walked into my parents' room to ask my mother something. My son let himself into the bathroom where my father was taking a shower, he had just gotten out and I saw his reflection in the mirror.

Oh my.

Let's just say I'm sure my mother had very little to complain about in that department.

It's not like I stared at it for any great length (no pun intended) of time. I was particularly embarrassed by the sight, actually. I mean, how many of you gals out there can say you've seen their dad's penis?! Wait...don't answer that. I don't wanna' know especially from those of you who may be into that sorta' thing.

In any case, I wanted to share the 'big' news with you. Hope it made you happy.

you breaka my rule, i breaka yo face

2006-04-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I noticed this guy had viewed my Jdate profile. Nice-looking guy but he lives up north, close to where I grew up. I viewed his profile and a few red flags went up.

The option that Jdate gives for 3 kids is a bit vague (3 or more) so he has at least 3 kids. It reads that they don't live with him. This was the first red flag. As a single parent, you have to be very careful about who you get involved with for the sake of the kids. To me this tells me that he either never spends time with his kids or he doesn't have custody. Now, there is always a reason why a parent isn't capable of getting custody of his/her own children. Most if not all states need valid proof that a parent isn't suitable or capable of raising the children before sole custody is given to the other parent. If that can't be proven, both parents share custody.

When someone Emails me on Jdate, I always respond even if it's some dumb shit thinking he's funny. This guy Emailed me and made a few compliments so I thanked him. In his next message, he mentioned something about liking my sarcasm and how he never knew southern girls could have such chutzpah. I responded telling him that I was born and raised near where he lives. His next message was asking me if I ever get back up north.

Now I'm stopping here. I really dislike the word 'hate' because it's a very strong word but I absolutely HATE when a man asks me "Are you ever up this way?" or the like and you would be surprised how often I hear this! Maybe I read too much into such a question but to me it tells me that this person would expect me to go visit him should the relationship get that far. This really just irks me. That question is a PMS trigger for me each and every time.

Why? Because when it comes to online dating, I live by one rule - if you initiate contact with me, you make the effort. That means if something develops between a man and myself and continues to progress, they either will come visit me or they'll pay my way to go to them.

Does that sound too rigid? Perhaps but I'm entitled. I've had enough shit experiences with these men to know when I see diamonds and when I see cubic zirconia. Like every other person out there looking for love, I want the real thing not some fake who only wants to get fucked.

I'm not interested in long-distance relationships and when it reads on your profile that you're undecided about whether or not you would relocate if you met the right person, what makes you think I'm the least bit interested in starting something with you?! If you can't give me all of you, I don't want any of you. I've done the long-distance thing before and it played itself out a long time ago, I'm not interested in a fuck buddy, I'm not made of money where I can just hop on a plane any time the spirit moves me, and frankly I have kids to take care of and they take precedence over your elevated hormone level any day of the week, month and/or year.

Furthermore, if you have kids and you're even giving thought to the possibility of moving for someone else, then I don't want to know you. I want to be with someone who thinks as highly of his children as I think of mine. If you could easily give up being with your kids to be with someone else far away, you're not the kind of person I wish to associate with.

Lastly, the guy is too short. My whole life I have had problems with finding a guy who is either my height or taller. I took a chance one time and met a guy who was shorter than I. Not only did that not work out but he lied on his profile and to me and he turned out to be shorter. As strange as this sounds, I don't trust short men when it comes to getting involved with someone. The few men that I've spoken to who are shorter than me came clean and told me at some point that they lied about their height. If you lie about something like that, you're lying about other shit and you can't be trusted. If you're lying on your profile, you're not only deceiving many others but you're deceiving yourself.

I'm not a desperate person. I've been married and I'm far from wanting to take the plunge again. My life is fulfilling as it is, I don't need some hard-up man thinking with his hard-on.

As always...NEXT!

~ Belle, the Twatwaffle ~

strange mannerisms

2006-04-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

I just noticed something about myself which caused me to spit my coffee out and laugh - everytime I'm sitting up and I stretch, I finish it off by running my hands over my boobs. Obviously I don't know why I do this since I just noticed it myself!

I love my boobs. They are big, not monstrous. They aren't even in the same league as Leave It To Cleavage's, that's for damn sure. She doesn't know this, but the first time I met her, I did everything I could not to stare at her ginormous ta-tas. Other people, mostly men, weren't as subtle.

So what kind of strange, involuntary things do you find yourself doing?

NOTE: The boob shot is to try to boost my ratings over at Blog Explosion!

(forget my boobs, my nose looks HUGE!!)

My Turn!

2006-03-28T12:03:00.000-08:00

I suppose Bitchy isn't the first gal on the web to post about her menstrual cycle and I suppose she won't be the last. The buck won't stop here on this blog! Oh no, Bitchy isn't the only one who can have bloody fun on here! I, too, will describe my menstrual cycle to you. I know I know, you're clapping with glee and are anxious with anticipation at reading the details of my flow.

First, let me discuss the history of my cycle to you. I did not start my period 'til a month before my 15th birthday! If you just said 'late bloomer', you ain't just whistlin' Dixie!

After that, the only other time I was ever regular was the second time I got my period, exactly 28 days later. I remember this clearly, another rite of passage that traumatized me! I was in Pittsburgh visiting relatives and we had to get dressed up to go somewhere and I just didn't want to wear one of those bulky pads. My aunt had tampons and I tried one. Boy, what an invention, lemme' tell you! I bet Mr. Tampon is reaping the benefits of his rewards.

Inserting it was easy, the problem was getting it out. Yeah there was a string but no amount of tugging would release it. I started crying and my aunt came in and yanked the little fucker out. I didn't have time to react. I recall there was some discomfort to this abrupt action but I think I was more in shock! Anyway, from that moment on, I knew how to remove tampons. Aren't you happy for me?!

I can't remember when exactly I started taking the pill but it's been a constant staple in my life for some time now. Conceiving both my kids came very easy for me. The pill has always worked well for me (except for one time that I will get to in a minute) so there was little decision after both of my kids what contraception I would use.

My marriage was taking a dump on my life but I blamed my lack of libido on the pill, as that is one of the side effects, so I decided to go off of it. Not that I had an over-abundance of sex with my sex-addicted then-husband, but I just despise condoms that I knew I had to do something else on the rare occasion that I would let him touch me! I decided on an IUD.

Eight months later, I had the IUD removed. To say I hated it would be lying. I really really HATED it! Not only did my OB knick my cervix inserting it and had to cauterize it which burned like a motherfucker, but for days after it felt like it was gonna' fall out of me! It was most unpleasant. Then not only did my flow become heavier, longer and it felt like I was having late-stage labor contractions when I started my period but no size tampon would stop me from dripping blood wherever I walked! The thought about shoving an entire bag of cotton balls up me crossed my mind but I immediately thought about the reaction the ER doctor would have upon removing 100 or so cotton balls from my poon.

Then, my dr. felt "something" during a routine exam, did an ultrasound and said I had complex cysts. I won't go into details about the different kinds of cysts that women can get on a monthly-basis but what I have is the worst you can have because without added estrogen, these suckers have a tendency to grow to pre-cancerous levels and I am not nor was I then, ready to get a hysterectomy. So back on a pill but I chose a mini-pill as I didn't like the effects the pill was having on me. A short while later, I was off the mini-pill as I bled for 28 days straight.

So now I have to take the pill for medical reasons and me and my monthly short-lived flow are happy. Did I just say I was happy to have my period?!

To Mr Fabulous

2006-03-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

I can remember a few years back, I think it was about six months after we met on the set of "To Fuck A Mockingbird" and about three months into our turbulent love affair. We were holed up in our lovenest in upstate New York in January and we were bored out of skulls and suffering from serious cabin fever.

You got it into your head that the time would pass more quickly if we engaged in some hard core anal fisting. So as you assumed the position, I went looking for the K-Y but we were out, so instead I found a spray can of WD-40 and squirted some into your little brown hole, and applied liberally to my freakishly large fist.

Boy, that was an embarassing visit to the emergency room.

I never got my watch back.

2006-03-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

Um...news break. Please, please explain to me why a fugly looking asshole thinks it would be perfectly okay to dress up like a woman when he is an elementary school teacher? Kids are screwed up enough these days without someone bringing this shit into an elementary school. Hey "Lily", wanna make a real statement? Go teach high school looking like that...you fucking freak. Let's see how "accepted" you'll be. Oh, and before anyone jumps my ass about intolerance, I don't give a flaming SHIT what you do in your sex life as long as it doesn't involve kids or small furry animals. BUT...when you first teach little kids as a man, you don't return as a woman to fuck up their little minds. Public school does NOT mean "anything goes". Keep your sex life out of the school.

I must apologize to the girls at "I Talk Too Much"

2006-02-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

I must publicly apologize to the "bitches" at I Talk Too Much. And I said some things that include all the people who comment there, when I had no right to insult any of them.

Their review of my blog made me realize how much I SUCK. I can tell by how few people even commented on my blog. I feel like such a loser. My life has become a sham. I think I just need to start over.

So, I am starting a new, secret blog.
You can Google my blog, "Twatwaffle Jones", click on the "cache" to find my old blog, then click on "my profile" to find my new blog listed there.

A fresh start

2006-02-25T15:16:00.000-08:00

Bear with me, I deleted my template! I feel really bad about the stuff that was on it, and I didn't save it right or something. I'm dumb!